Y’all. I’m 20 weeks pregnant, which means I’m halfway there (Lord willing)…YAY!
Pregnancy has already been such a sanctifying season. I can only imagine what the Lord will continue to work in me as I move forward in this journey of motherhood.
Having desired to be a Mama my whole life, I’ve been wrestling and praying through that deep longing basically since the day we got married; waiting on the timing God had for our lives. And now, the Lord in his perfect timing has been SO gracious to gift us these 20 weeks. It’s humbling and overwhelming to see God’s kindness on display in the gift of this little life.
These 20 weeks have magnified my desire for control, my need for comfort, my lack of trust, and my inclination to strive instead of rest.
Week 4 was bliss, and then came week 5. That week, Braden and I were out of town, staying with family friends for one of Braden’s medical school rotations. While we were there, I came down with bronchitis AND the double wammy of morning sickness.
Eventually I got over the bronchitis, but the “morning sickness” stuck around for quite awhile. I put quotes around morning sickness because the fact that they label it as “morning” is so not accurate. My nausea was an all day every day thing for a long while, and the actual sickness part was extremely unpredictable (unless I was taking my prenatals LOL).
During the time I felt most sick, my husband was gone in other states on his away rotations for medical school, which meant I was at home by myself. There were some really rough days where I *dramatically* thought I wasn’t going to make it. But doing that part alone made me learn to rely on the Lord, even for physical sustainment and help. Something I very rarely have to think about.
I also have had to learn to rest and walk in the grace of Christ. I somewhat fell off the face of the earth there for a little while. I felt so nauseous that reading books wasn’t an option, and at that point, I was reading Christian non-fiction like a mad woman. That kind of learning and growth came to a screeching halt. Anything with loud noises made things worse, I didn’t have enough strength to cook or clean, returning calls and texts became impossible, and my social life went out the window. I felt so guilty and like a failure and a burden. I couldn’t be all the things to all the people…or to God. All I could do was just be. My “striving” was now impossible, and all I could do was rest in the worth and identity I have been given in Jesus. The Lord was stripping me down, and making me live in HIS finished work, not my own.
Thankfully, in his graciousness, week 16 onward has been sweet relief physically. I have truly felt great this past month…besides the occasional aches and pains associated with my growing belly. And I can finally feel the little one squirming around in there… such a miracle!
Next week we go for the big anatomy scan, where we also find out the gender. We are so excited to hear officially whether a little son or daughter is joining our family!
Even though pregnancy is filled with a lot of sweet and exciting things, Satan is still out to steal, kill, and destroy. He has been out for attack by way of my mind. Anxiety has plagued me over and over again during this process. Is my baby healthy and okay? Is my body functioning properly? How is this all going to turn out? It’s a constant battle that I’m daily waging war on. And it’s honestly been such a big area of growth and wrestling that it needs a whole post of it’s own one day.
But for now, I’m going to continue to preach these truths to myself and maybe you need to be reminded of them too…wherever you are at in life today:
- God cares for you. He will perfect, confirm, establish, and strengthen you. (1 Peter 5:6-11)
- He is WITH you at all times (Psalm 23, Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 73:23-26)
- God is your refuge and strength (Psalm 46)
- God is provider and knows exactly what you need (Matthew 6:25-34)
- God is sovereignly in control of ALL things (Colossians 1:16-17, Job 42:2, Psalm 97:9)
- God is a good and gracious Father (Isaiah 55:8-9, Romans 8:28, Psalm 145:9, Psalm 34:8)
Thanks for tagging along with my life updates! Love you, friends.
On the battlefield with you,