Did you catch the first part of this Q&A on yesterday’s blog?! My dear sister, Malorie, is bravely sharing her story. Check out part one HERE— you don’t want to miss it!
- How has your relationship with the Lord grown or changed?
My relationship with the Lord has definitely been up and down during this entire process. As I mentioned in another question, I quickly became angry at the Lord. I questioned Him, I didn’t want to talk to Him, and I definitely didn’t want people telling me that He knew what He was doing. The important thing that I had to be reminded of time and time again, is that these emotions and questions were okay.
And even though I felt like I was on an island all alone, He never left me. Just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, I was thrown in a fiery furnace and yet He was with me. He was faithful. The Lord has been so good to me in my pain. When my heart began to soften toward Him again and when I was able to be honest about feeling alone, He immediately sent me people. I was getting calls and texts again, from friends and family that had no idea I was feeling alone. I have learned that it is okay to to be mad, and it is okay to speak those thoughts and feelings to Him. Out loud even! My trust in the Lord and in His plan has grown in a way that only He could have done. I would not want to answer these questions on my own, not one bit. If you know me personally, it could come as quite a shock. He has a plan, and I am glad that I get to take part in it, even though He is using my pain to do it.
- How has this impacted your marriage?
First, I just want to say how thankful I am to have a husband that loves me as much as Clay does. He has been nothing but understanding, kind and loving through this whole situation.
However, marriage is not easy in the first place and when you add a loss it doesn’t make it any easier.
The first few weeks after the miscarriage and procedure, Clay and I were closer than we have ever been. The only time I have seen my husband cry was at our wedding and in the emergency room that night. Something about my husband sobbing with me, holding me and telling me that it’s going to be okay immediately changed our relationship. We were stronger together, because at the time we had to be. There were nights where I would cry on His shoulder as he prayed over me and there were nights that I did the same for him. But once we stopped the communication with one another, things got harder. We didn’t want to tell each other how we were feeling in fear of making the other one upset and maybe they were having a good day. This is one of the most selfish things we could have done. The reason being, we let our emotions build up and then we would eventually break. We would get mad at one another because they didn’t understand, when in reality we weren’t giving one another the opportunity to understand.
Once again, we had to learn that these things are normal. We were grieving in different ways and at different paces. Clay and I started to see a church counselor, who has been and will continue to be, such a big help to us. Another thing we had to learn, was that seeing a counselor didn’t mean that our marriage was bad. We simply couldn’t grieve and process these things all on our own, and it is okay to ask for help. Our counselor advised us to start overly communicating with one another. Were we feeling sad? Let the other know. Mad? Send a quick text, etc. This quickly began making us both feel better.
Clay and I have learned a lot about one another through this loss. Good things and bad. The one thing that we constantly needed to remind ourselves was that we are not in control, and the “only thing we can fix, is our eyes on Jesus.” (Earl Stephenson, FBC Weatherford)
- Is there a scripture that you have clung to during this time?
As much as it hurt, these verses brought us hope and eased our anxious and broken hearts.
“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21b
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34
- Moving forward, how do you (or others) still honor and acknowledge the life of the child that you have lost?
One way that Clay and I can honor our precious baby is by sharing our story, and continuing to move forward in our lives. Moving forward is scary. I have to constantly tell myself that moving forward doesn’t mean that I’m forgetting or acting like it didn’t happen. It’s healthy to move on.
The Lord did not take this baby from us so that we could just sit back and feel sorry for ourselves. I believe that He took this baby from us so that we could make a difference. I pray that these questions land in the lap of someone who needed to read them. I pray that my pain can be used to bring the Lord glory. I pray that I can be a light to someone who is lost in the dark. By doing these things, and sharing my story, I am not only helping point someone to Christ, but I am also honoring my baby’s life.
- What would you want to say to women who are fearful of miscarriage or who are currently walking through this loss?
To the women who are fearful of miscarriage:
I feel you. I was in that same boat. My mother suffered 2 before she had me as well as some other close family members and friends. It honestly stinks how often that it happens. BUT… We serve a God who is faithful and just. Fear does not come from him. I think that it is healthy to be aware that it is a possibility, but it is not healthy to dwell on it and live in the constant state of “What if’s”. Trust in the mighty hands of the Lord, for He is with you.
To women currently walking through loss:
I am so sorry. I know that those words tend to feel hollow because of how much pain you are feeling. Please know that your grief is natural and you need to let it happen. Don’t try to fight it. Also, know that it is okay to NOT be okay. There are still days that I am not okay. Just today I found myself crying. Even though it’s hard, please hear me on that!
Talk to the Lord. Tell Him you’re mad, tell Him you’re sad, tell Him you don’t understand. Because his heart is breaking with you, and it hurts Him to see you hurt. He is a good Father. He cares for you and wants to be right there next to you. Don’t push him away like I did, it only ended up hurting me more.
You also need to know that it is not your fault. You will hear this from so many people, but yet you will still feel the guilt, trust me, I get it. But you have to trust it. Nothing that you did took away your precious gift.
I pray that the Lord can use my words to somehow bring you peace and comfort. I pray that if you’re feeling alone and isolated, that you will feel the presence of the Lord soon and very soon. I pray that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, because it is there. It just may take a while for you to find it.
I want to say this again, because I loved it so much when I heard it at my parent’s church. In this time when you wish that you could fix everything that is broken around you, just remember “the only thing you can fix, is your eyes on Jesus”. (Earl Stephenson FBC Weatherford)