Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month?
On that day he said:
“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.
This week we get to hear one of the dearest people in my life bravely share her story and honor the life of her baby, while praying to encourage other believers and point them back to Jesus! Welcome to my girl, Malorie!
- Tell us a little bit about yourself. What is your story of miscarriage?
Hey guys! My name is Malorie Myers and I graduated from OSU in 2015 and have been teaching third grade to awesome kiddos ever since! My husband and I got married 2 years ago, on June 11, 2016. We have always talked about having children and what it would look like for us. We knew that we wanted to be “young, cool parents” Haha.
After our first year of marriage, we talked about trying to start our family, and got all excited and ready to become parents. It ended up taking about a year for me to get pregnant. On May 12, 2018, the day before Mother’s Day, (how fitting!), we found out that I was pregnant. I could not believe that there was a tiny human growing inside of me! We laughed and we cried and we got excited and scared and couldn’t wait to share with our families! When we had our first ultrasound appointment with my doctor, we were so relieved to see that tiny “tulip” and a heartbeat. “Now we can breathe”, we thought.
A heartbeat. Our baby had a heartbeat!! My due date was January 24, 2019. Man, it all became so real that day. I was a mother. And my wonderful husband was going to be an amazing daddy. I was having the perfect pregnancy. I was only sick one time; only nauseous every once in a while, and I had no signs of any problems. Then July 6th came. I was about 12 weeks along and I started bleeding, just a very small amount. Normal, I thought. Sometimes that can happen. Then the day continued on and it increased. To ease our minds, we took a trip to the ER. We just wanted to make sure that this was normal and not what our fears were telling us. It was close to midnight and we were waiting for an ultrasound. When the technician came in, she was very kind and gentle with me. She had the monitor set up to where Clay and I could see our little “tulip”. I immediately felt sick. That tiny little heartbeat that had been there at our first appointment was gone. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me. I didn’t know what to do or say. The technician was not allowed to talk to us about it since she was not the ER doctor, she was just in charge of the ultrasound. As she left, I knew that was the last time I was going to see my little baby. The doctor came back in and confirmed the news that I was denying. “Tulip” was gone. I had an appointment with my regular doctor already set up for that coming Tuesday. It was supposed to be the appointment where I had reached and passed the 12 week mark. We were finally going to let the world know our little secret. Instead, our conversation was one that I never wanted to have. “Do you want to have this miscarriage naturally, or would you like a D&C?” Miscarriage. I don’t think I had actually said it out loud yet. I had a miscarriage. My baby had passed away and I would never meet it. Because of the trauma we had already faced, Clay and I decided to go ahead with the procedure. We didn’t want to prolong our pain longer than necessary. July 12th we said goodbye to our “Tulip”. All we could do now was trust that God had a plan for this journey we would never choose for ourselves.
- What has the grieving looked like for you? What has been the hardest part?
Grieving for me has been all sorts of chaos. I have quite frankly been a mess. It started, of course, with sadness. I was so confused and lost and just flat out sad. I cried all the time, at random things. My mom could have looked at me funny and I would just start crying. This has been a type of hurt that I have never experienced before and if I’m honest, it is very hard to explain. I have struggled to understand my own emotions. My sadness turned rather quickly into anger. Why me, Lord? Why did you have to take this precious gift away from us? I have never been one to be mad at God. I never understood how people could be mad. I definitely understand now. I was so mad that I didn’t want to pray, I didn’t want to read His word, I would tune out during church sermons, and I eventually stopped going to church for a few weeks in a row. I just could not wrap my mind around why God would take something so precious away. In the midst of sadness and anger I was also feeling guilt, anxiousness, confusion, random happiness, and then I would loop back around to sadness.
The hardest part for me has been to realize that all of these emotions are 100% acceptable. It is okay to feel emotions. It is okay to be mad at God. David spent the majority of Psalms being upset and angry with God. It was very hard for me to just be okay with where I was in the process. Grief is not something that can just be over in a week, or even a month. I am still struggling and learning how to cope and handle my grief in a way that is God glorifying and not just self-centered. Obviously, it is not in our nature to take something so painful and hurtful, and then not just think about ourselves. But, as believers in a God who saves and uses this pain, I have to consistently ask myself, how is God going to use my sadness and anger to bring Him glory? That, my friends, is no easy feat.
- For those that haven’t walked through this, what is something you wish they better understood?
Grief takes time. From the outside, there were many days that people probably thought I was okay. In reality, I was struggling. I was struggling because I had just lost a baby. Sometimes people try to minimize the loss by saying “this was just God’s will, or something must have been wrong”. Which, I obviously believe that this was God’s will! 100%. But I saw my little “tulip’s” heartbeat. That little miracle was alive. This loss was a real loss of life, and because of that, grief is not just going to go away.
I would encourage people to really think about their words before saying them to someone who has just had a loss. Not just a loss like mine, but a loss in general. We know that your heart is in the right place, and we appreciate your words, but try to focus on words of encouragement and comfort, rather than trying to justify or fix the loss.
- What words or acts of service have you felt most loved and comforted by? Is there anything that hasn’t been helpful?
The first few days after we found out, we were immediately filled with love and support from our family members and our church family. A lot of people brought us dinner, and would check in periodically. For both Clay and I, this was wonderful. We learned very quickly that we did not want to be alone. We wanted to be surrounded by our family and our friends. This was so incredibly helpful for us. I know that some people would want space, which I understand, but for Clay and me, we needed to talk to people to be able to process things in a healthier way. If you know someone that is going through this, or a loss of any kind I would encourage you to ask what would be helpful for them. For some people, they may just need space and prayers from afar, but then there are people like Clay and I, who thrive off of community.
Things that were not helpful, and somewhat hurtful was when the texts and calls stopped coming. Loss is tough, and I know that it is hard to find the words and sometimes we think that if we don’t know what to say, then we just don’t say anything. I completely understand this. If I was in your shoes, I would not know what to say either. But, for me personally, the silence was more hurtful than anything. I began to feel alone and isolated. When in doubt of what to say, just simply ask “How are you?” or “Is there anything I can specifically pray for right now?”. Sometimes we think that we are protecting our loved ones who are hurting, by not saying things in fear of reopening the wound. My wound is already open. Those simple texts will actually help my wound to begin healing, rather than reopening it.
- As a woman, has Satan tried to attack you with any lies during this trial?
Satan feeds off of our brokenness. Man, oh man, did he try to attack me while I was down! As believers, we are fighting a constant battle against him, and we don’t get a free pass when we are grieving. Within hours of finding out about the miscarriage, Satan was already feeding me lies. -“Why did you take this baby away from your husband? You took away your parent’s first grandchild, and your sister’s first chance to be an aunt!”- Guilt. SOOOOO much guilt immediately filled my head. I got wrapped up in those lies quickly. I thought that maybe I did something wrong during my pregnancy, because after all, it was my body that the baby lived in. Even though the doctors and my family members assured me that I could not have possibly caused this tragedy, I was caught.
My husband quickly reminded me that these feelings were not from the Lord. He was right. The Lord was not the one putting those lies in my head. In fact, His heart was breaking with mine. It was not my fault. This was very comforting when I finally believed it to be true.
**come back tomorrow for pt 2 of this Q&A**